Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE