I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?