Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
🚲+physics = winner
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
What do you hear?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.