The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If only
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.