I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.