JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about