Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Natural selection at its finest
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
wow he looks just like him
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”