You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that