James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything