I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Bike is short for Bichael.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Interior design 👌
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.