Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
You Might Also Like
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly