The honesty is refreshing
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?