me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
😅🤣😂
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’