I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
You Might Also Like
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You’ll be OK
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred