I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
But is it really??
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Mornin
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.