I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.