if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.