Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
You Might Also Like
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Best spot.. 😅
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
What the hell happened in there??
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream