They got Raph!
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle