My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit