Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.