Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Running from your problems is cardio .
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?