“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
That’s not how days work.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Every haunted house movie:
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.