According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life