6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Meow
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Worst bar ever.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶