“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Wikigenius
Thanks to a fan for this one!
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!