I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Good news
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.