Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
You Might Also Like
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase