Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
#CatsOnTwitter
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.