I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
North and South
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online