Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You Might Also Like
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
But that’s none of my business
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said