*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.