ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.