[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
it is time once again
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain