My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
translated into Canadian
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Nomnomnomnom
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*