me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
🙂🐾
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’d use my best pan on you.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.