Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.