If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*