the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe