Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.