[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
This is enough internet for the day.