Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Google reviews are always so mixed..
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Florida man
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.