Siri: Retweet me.
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I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??