Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.