INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
dam girl
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately