[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.