If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You Might Also Like
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
TODAY
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Siri, fight Alexa.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.