dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The Joker was right
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
There are no pants in heaven.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.