Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.