If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.